And so...

Matthew's finger is gross.  It's still swollen and bruised.  The nail did fall off.  Paul cannot even look at it.  I can but I get all tingly and not in a good way.  I know it hurts him especially when it's bumped.  He won't let anyone touch it and goes into a panic when you try to look at it.  On a lighter note I had conference with his pre school teachers.  He is doing WONDERFUL!!!  He will be ready for kindergarten and will not need young fives!  His teachers love him and do not have any problems with him.  They are paranoid he's going to hurt his finger and keep reminding him to keep his hand in his lap.  But he's very careful with it so I'm not to worried.  

Now... On to David.  Well... he's David what can I say?  He is as goofy as ever and is his own person.  He is doing great!  We have no had any pneumonia yet this year *knocks on wood*.  He did miss a week of school a couple weeks ago.  He had a nasty runny green nose that wouldn't quit then there was two snow days.  He wound up having a sinus infection.  We all did.  But we're all good now thank God.

Grandpa's funeral went ok.  I took pictures at the cemetery.  My cousins didn't try to start anything thankfully.  But their Dad... (who does NOT deserve the title as Uncle) tried to walk into my sister at the dinner.  Anyways...

The cleaning out of Grandpa's house is going fast.  My Mom, Aunts and Uncle are doing a great job!  I do admire them for getting in there and getting it done and over with.  No sense sitting on it. That wouldn't do anyone any good.  My Mom is handing the death very well.  It's like I said... He's been ready to "go be with ma' since she passed almost six and a half years ago.  The morning she died he said he wanted to go.  I am actually surprised he lasted this long.  Only because I thought he'd die of a broken heart long before now.  We've basically had six years to prepare ourselves for this.  I am happy... yes the loss of my Grandpa is sad, he was my last living Grandparent but how could I not be happy for him?

Onto Paul's family...

Things with Grandma Betty's house are going slow.  Her house is staying in the family so there is no hurry.  Paul's parents are taking it.  I'd give 'almost' anything to buy Paul's parents house from them.  We need the space BADLY.  Our house we live in is to damn small and it's a piece of crap.  We HATE HATE HATE it but we are stuck.  We don't know if we'll ever get out.

Any-who... Last I herd Grandma Shoe is doing good.  We haven't seen her since before Christmas.  Naughty Grandchildren we are.  We should really get over there and see her.  Other then that we haven't heard anything.  I guess no news is good news.

And now... since I have written a novel I will close this with pictures of Grandpa's funeral... the good ones from the cemetery.

PS.... I LOVE COMMENTS!!!

First...  him in the car

 

The the salute!

 Covered with the flag

 Taps...

 Giving the flag to my Uncle Steve who then gave it to my cousin James.

 

At Peace

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/lsj/obituary.aspx?n=billie-thompson-bill&pid=148457926&fhid=2614&sms_ss=google&at_xt=4d5202da4a4c329a%2C0

My Grandpa passed away Sunday night.  I am NOT upset about it...why?  He is happy now.  Grandma died over six years ago.  Three months after Paul and I were married.  Ever since he has always said "I just wanna go be with Ma".  He hasn't been the same since she passed away.

Yes I will miss him.  I mean he was my Grandpa.  He was my last living Grandparent.  I will probably loose a lot of my family with this death.  For some... no so sad.  For others, I hope it doesn't happen.  I have a lot of thoughts that go through my head.  Most I should just keep to myself for safe of others. 

Today was the visitation.  I did not go to the early one.  I have two and a half hours of sick time and two and a half hours of vacation time left at work.  I get one day unpaid and one day paid funeral time for Grandparents.  I have to use that vacation time up before March 15th or I loose it.  David had a cardiologist appointment the day before I get my time back.  I decided my sons beating heart was more useful of that time then the early 'boring' visitation.  I did go to the evening one.  Boring... they always are.  Not many people came, not even close to when Grandma passed away.  No one I knew showed.  Not surprised.

And the cousins mentioned in previous entry didn't say a word to me.  I ignored them myself.  I wasn't there for them anyways.  But the father of said cousins gave me the evilest look you could give anyone.  I wanted to get up and kick him in the nuts, but I didn't.  I should have smiled and winked at him... dammit I would think of that when it's to late.  Tomorrow is the funeral.  Maybe then... ha ha ha... no.

Wish me luck... something I totally do NOT want to do but I find more and more as I get older, you do a lot of shit you don't want to do. 

My big mouth

Got me in trouble again... oh and facebook is EVIL.

My years in school were HELL... pure Hell.  I hated it.  I was the kid with the hand-me-down clothes that were not in style.  My parents couldn't afford the 'cool' stuff.  I had a major gap between my front teeth that caused me much pain too.  I got picked on BAD for it.  My parents couldn't afford braces.  I have them now at age 33.  Still can't afford it but it's a psychological thing for me.  I need this for my mental health.  I got teased so bad in school for EVERYTHING.  It was truly horrid.

Do I blame my parents in any of this?  No... not at all.  They did the best they could.

So now that I am an adult I have finally learned to stick up for myself, something that I should have done a long time ago.  Now that I am an adult and should just let things go... I can't.

My Grandpa... is dying.  Sad as it is I am ready for him to go.  He want's to go be with Grandma anyways.  He's served his time on earth and for our country he deserves peace.

Here is the problem...

Yesterday morning my Aunt Sherry who was staying with Grandpa because of this huge snow storm we got called my Mom and said Grandpa was paralized on his right side.  Slurring his words, right side of mouth drooping, and cannot use right hand. My problem was that she didn't call 911.  Instead waited for my cousin who is an ER nurse and Grandpa's home nurse to get there.  Ok, so he's having a stroke, why didn't she call 911.

I posed on facebook (remember me saying facebook is evil) that I was pissed.

My Mom nor myself realized that once you are in hospice you are supposed to call them first.  I honestly did not know.  My cousin Jenny who is Sherry's other daugher proceded to BITCH ME OUT on facebook because of my comment.  I tried to apoligize to her.  I had no clue.  She didn't want to hear it and told me to screw off then took me off her facebook.

Fine...

Then this morning... my cousin Kelly did the same thing. Of course I bitched right back to both of them.  I have the right.  I am human and I have the right to stick up for myself.  Humans make mistakes.  So I blocked all of them from my facebook.  They can't even find me.  So what does Kelly do... she used her friends facebook so send me yet another nasty message.  About how I need to grow up?  um no... you used your friends to yell at me some more.

So now my Grandpa is in the hospice place in Charlotte.  I don't even want to go see him because I don't want to run in to Sherry, Jenny, or Kelly and deal with it anymore.  I'm done.  I don't even want to go to my own Grandpa's funeral.  I think the only way I'll go is if my sister does not leave my side.  Because as much as I've bitched about her... I've learned my bitchyness from her.  I do love my sister even though she irritates the shit out of my sometimes... that's her job... she's my sister.

Onward...

And Heidi... no I did not proof read this... that's not my style ;)

The first broken bone goes to....

Matthew broke his finger.  Slammed it in the bathroom door at school.  He wet his pants and the teacher sent him to the bathroom to change.  He didn’t shut the door and a little girl walked by and said “Matthew you need to shut the door.” He said no but as she was pushing it shut he put his hand up to stop it and that’s when it happened.  They were able to save the nail but there is a little chip off the growth place, right hand pinky finger first knuckle.  My Mom picked him up from school.  It happened right before the end of the day.  Like they get out at 3:30 and it happened about 3:00.  She brought him to my work so I could look at it and I left and took him in.  Now he has an appointment with a hand specialist on Monday to make sure it will heal right since it’s in the growth plate (where the joint will grow).  For those of you that have no clue, babies are born with no joints.  They develop as they grow.  Babies are also born with no knee caps.  But at age four my boys have them.  I find the development of infants amazing.  Maybe I should study that… hmmmm?

But he’s doing fine.  He is being a tough boy and won’t admit it hurts even though you can tell.  The teachers said he didn’t cry when it happened, he just has a tear running down his face.  My mom said he did cry on the car ride to my work.  And then he cried when they put the shot in it to numb it.  My tough boy.  We keep telling him to tell us if it hurts, that it’s ok if it hurts.

The Day I Became a Heart Mother

I must post this again. I origionally posted it on 10/25/2008. I read it again and cried. It's so true. If you gave birth to a healthy baby you will never understand the feeling. Wathcing your newborn hooked up to more wires then you can imagine, just leaves you in tears, speechless. I had both at one time. One healthy baby Matthew... and one sick baby David. We were given the option to terminate him... I cannot imagine what it would be like without him here. My baby had not one but TWO open heart surgeries before he was a year old. Heart surgery is for old people, not brand new five day and 10 month old infants. His future is bright but still not certian. Anything can go wrong at any second.
For those of you that had healthy babies... count your blessings. You are 'lucky' you didnt' have to go through it.... you don't have to think every day that your childs heart isn't healthy, what if something goes wrong today? What if he get's sick? You dont' have to deal with the side effects heart surgery causes. He's so much weeker then his brother, will he ever catch up and be normal? Why me? Why us? Why HIM?

He's made us stronger, he's brought us such joy. He amazes me so much. I am thankful God gave him to us. I am thankful he has tested our strength as parents. I am thankful we have Matthew, happy and healthy, we don't have to worry about him.

I cannot imagine my life any other way.


The Day I Became a Heart Mother


One day my world came crashing down, I'll never be the same.
They told me that my child was sick.
I thought, "am I to blame"?
I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.


It seemed my heart was breaking.
I have loved him for so long.
I will not give up on this child.
I will listen to your advice.
I will give my child any chance.
No matter what the price.


I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.
I'll even use that feeding tube.
My child must survive!


Will he need a lot of therapy?
Will he gain the needed weight?
Please God, help me do this.
I will accept our fate.


When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.
How many parents would love that sound.
Tomorrow I will be kinder.
As another Angel earns his wings, I run to my child's bed.
I watch him sleep for quite a while.
I bend down and kiss his head.
I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.
I look to You wondering why?

Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways....no matter how I try.
And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.
My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!


From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.
From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.
From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.
With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.


For all who see that faded line.
I look to them and smile.
You see my child is loved so much.
I would face ANY trial.
That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).
God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).

A heart mom is always a heart mom.
Now wise beyond her years.
For those who have angels in heaven,
Our hearts share in all of your tears.


Every day I will try and remember,
I was chosen for him (and no other).
I will always embrace that beautiful day.......
When I became a "Heart Mother".



- Author Unknown