The first broken bone goes to....

Matthew broke his finger.  Slammed it in the bathroom door at school.  He wet his pants and the teacher sent him to the bathroom to change.  He didn’t shut the door and a little girl walked by and said “Matthew you need to shut the door.” He said no but as she was pushing it shut he put his hand up to stop it and that’s when it happened.  They were able to save the nail but there is a little chip off the growth place, right hand pinky finger first knuckle.  My Mom picked him up from school.  It happened right before the end of the day.  Like they get out at 3:30 and it happened about 3:00.  She brought him to my work so I could look at it and I left and took him in.  Now he has an appointment with a hand specialist on Monday to make sure it will heal right since it’s in the growth plate (where the joint will grow).  For those of you that have no clue, babies are born with no joints.  They develop as they grow.  Babies are also born with no knee caps.  But at age four my boys have them.  I find the development of infants amazing.  Maybe I should study that… hmmmm?

But he’s doing fine.  He is being a tough boy and won’t admit it hurts even though you can tell.  The teachers said he didn’t cry when it happened, he just has a tear running down his face.  My mom said he did cry on the car ride to my work.  And then he cried when they put the shot in it to numb it.  My tough boy.  We keep telling him to tell us if it hurts, that it’s ok if it hurts.

The Day I Became a Heart Mother

I must post this again. I origionally posted it on 10/25/2008. I read it again and cried. It's so true. If you gave birth to a healthy baby you will never understand the feeling. Wathcing your newborn hooked up to more wires then you can imagine, just leaves you in tears, speechless. I had both at one time. One healthy baby Matthew... and one sick baby David. We were given the option to terminate him... I cannot imagine what it would be like without him here. My baby had not one but TWO open heart surgeries before he was a year old. Heart surgery is for old people, not brand new five day and 10 month old infants. His future is bright but still not certian. Anything can go wrong at any second.
For those of you that had healthy babies... count your blessings. You are 'lucky' you didnt' have to go through it.... you don't have to think every day that your childs heart isn't healthy, what if something goes wrong today? What if he get's sick? You dont' have to deal with the side effects heart surgery causes. He's so much weeker then his brother, will he ever catch up and be normal? Why me? Why us? Why HIM?

He's made us stronger, he's brought us such joy. He amazes me so much. I am thankful God gave him to us. I am thankful he has tested our strength as parents. I am thankful we have Matthew, happy and healthy, we don't have to worry about him.

I cannot imagine my life any other way.


The Day I Became a Heart Mother


One day my world came crashing down, I'll never be the same.
They told me that my child was sick.
I thought, "am I to blame"?
I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.


It seemed my heart was breaking.
I have loved him for so long.
I will not give up on this child.
I will listen to your advice.
I will give my child any chance.
No matter what the price.


I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.
I'll even use that feeding tube.
My child must survive!


Will he need a lot of therapy?
Will he gain the needed weight?
Please God, help me do this.
I will accept our fate.


When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.
How many parents would love that sound.
Tomorrow I will be kinder.
As another Angel earns his wings, I run to my child's bed.
I watch him sleep for quite a while.
I bend down and kiss his head.
I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.
I look to You wondering why?

Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways....no matter how I try.
And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.
My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!


From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.
From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.
From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.
With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.


For all who see that faded line.
I look to them and smile.
You see my child is loved so much.
I would face ANY trial.
That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).
God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).

A heart mom is always a heart mom.
Now wise beyond her years.
For those who have angels in heaven,
Our hearts share in all of your tears.


Every day I will try and remember,
I was chosen for him (and no other).
I will always embrace that beautiful day.......
When I became a "Heart Mother".



- Author Unknown

Such is life

My alarm went off this morning. Damn... I hate it when it does that.. Anyways... I hit snooze hoping to go back to the dream it rudely interuped. No such luck. I hit snooze again. When it goes off again I get up and start my day as a newly 33 year old woman. My Birthday was yesterday. I'm getting old... I cannot imagine how old my parents feel right now.

I hit the shower, using the time to think as I usually do. I look at my naked body. Everything looks the same sadly. Fat and ugly. I wonder where my miracle weight loss drug is only to realize there is no such thing. I argue with myself that I need to stop being so lazy and work out. When summer get's here and it's warmer outside I think... See... lazy always wins.

Moving on... I go and wake up the world's most cutest set of 4 year old twin boys. I say that because they are always cute when they are sleeping. I am reminded that they are part of the reason my body looks as it does. I still love them though.

David streatches... another cute thing he does. Then he wines and says "Mommy I want to wake up". I tell him he can get up and off he goes without much thought. His wet pullup hanging to his knees, he's so damn skinny everything hangs on him. (Yes we are four but we are NOT night time potty trained. I think they will be married before that happens).

Then I turn my attention back to the one that needs to get up... Matthew. He does NOT want to wake up. Rolls over and stucks his tumb back in his mouth. I laugh, shake him and follow David out. We get the heavy pull up in the trash and our underwear on... so now you see a big long sleeve shirt and a set of tooth pick legs stick out. Very cute. I decided it'll be easier on me if I let David be the bad guy and send him in to turn on his bedroom light so Matthew will wake up. He turns on the light and yells "MATTHEW WAKE UP NOW". I giggle, as I take a bite of my cold cereal.

Matthew finally appears, 10 min after I started the wake up process. I get him dressed for school. Daddy can finish dressing David later. I head to the bathroom to get myself ready now and David follows me. We have a interesting conversation..

David: "Mommy are you going to work?"
Me: "Yes David"
David: "But why Mommy?"
Me: "Because I have to make money"
David: "Then Grandma and Grandpa get me off the bus, then Grandma and Matthew come home, then Daddy wakes up and Grandma and Grandpa go home then you come home from work?"
Me: "Why yes David! Good Job!

See... My kids amaze me. Especially David... I always worry about him he's so far behind Mattehw in lots of ways.

Even Matthew had me cracking up this morning. We get to the school and since we had left the snow boots at my parents I have him a piggy back ride so he wouldn't get his feet wet. He had me laughing the whole time.

Sometimes you are so annoyed with them you want to pinch they heads off and the next you love them so much you want to pinch your bosses head off for making you go to the awful place you call a job just so you can make a living of some sort. Well if that's what you want to call it.

Sometimes life isn't fair, sometimes it is and sometimes your kids make you forget everything that is bothering you.

Welcome 2011

Where has the time gone? It's just like.. poof... and it's gone.

The boys are four now. Getting HUGE. Health wise we are all doing great. David had the 24hr flu the other day. So far he's the only one that had it *knocks on wood*. My birthday is a week away. I will be *cough* 33 *cough*.

2010 flew by... the boys are in separate pre schools. Matthew is in all day kindergarten readiness. David is still in IEP pre school. He most likely will NOT be ready for kindergarten next year :(. Matthew will be ready, he's a smart little shit too.

Paul's Grandma passed away in September. She went in the hospital for a 'blockage' turns out it was pancreatic cancer. She passed away a few days later. They never told her that's what she had. Same thing my Grandma passed away from.

I think I am going to post the link to this diary a few places. I'd really like to get some followers. Right now I have NONE :(