Goodbye 2011

2011 Recap.

1st in February my Grandpa passed away.  My last grandparent.  He was ready to go be with Grandma.  He missed her more then any of us.

Then we enjoyed easter and the warming of the seasons.  Winter does not suit us very well.

Then there is always fishing on Daddy's boat.  Not the most thrilling thing for almost five year old to do.

Then you pick a hot day in the summer to hit the museums.

And camping!

And we put the boys in T-Ball they had fun!

And look who made it to 5 years old!!!  Didn't think that would happen...lol

 Matthew in his Kindergarten class room!

 David in his Kindergarten class room!  Putting him in Kindy instead of leaving him in the pre-school was the best decision we could have made.

First Day of School!!!

Then we welcomed a new family member into our home.  A 14lb cat we named Butters!

 

Then in October we found out David needed heart surgery again :(

There has been two surgery dates, both that have been canceled.  New surgery date for January.

Thoughts

It sometimes takes bad things in your life to make you realize all the good things you have going for you. I have family that I cannot see that I miss terribly, but I don’t have to deal with the stress. I have family that has passed away that I would give almost anything to have back, but they are no longer suffering. We have more bills then money but we have a two wonderful boys and a warm house to live in. Our house is way too small for us, but at least we have a warm place to live. David surgery has gotten canceled twice now, but at least we get those weeks to spend with him when he’s not in pain, and he’s happy.
The reality of this surgery hit’s you, there is a possibility he won’t make it. During surgery he’s put on a ‘heart lung bypass machine’. He’s basically dead during that time. I ‘think’ it basically keeps his organs going so they can stop his heart to work on it. This really freaks me out. I try not to think about it, I just pray my baby wakes up, normal. Normal as he was before surgery, no brain damage, nothing just the same kid but with a fixed heart.

As a mother of a special needs child you try not to think of the bad things, it’s not easy. We’ve had the discussion “What do we do with him if he doesn’t make it?” Not a fun subject to talk about but something you should talk about even briefly if you have a child that is facing a life threatening situation. It took us five maybe ten minutes to come up with an idea. That way if it does happen we are on the same page when we can’t even think straight.

Me, with my anxiety disorder, night time is the worst. I lay in bed in a quiet house and I can NOT shut my brain off no matter how hard I try. EVERYTHING runs through my mind and I try my hardest to keep a panic attack from taking over and making me really freak out. I tend to find comfort in my cat. If I have him snuggling with me, it calms me to stroke his soft silky fur. He’s a good cat and is usually not far from my side. Paul is a good source of comfort for me too, he doesn’t really understand my thoughts and feelings but he try’s his best. I think my anxiety frustrates him because he doesn’t know how to make it better for me. He also thinks I should just ‘get over it’ but he doesn’t understand, it’s not that easy.

But like this morning… I had a rough night. I didn’t sleep good. I’m battling this minor illness, trying not to get a cold. I get up and get ready for work. I have to wake the boys so they can go to work with me, where Paul will meet me to take the boys back home since they are still on winter break. They were both sleeping so sweetly. I HATED the fact that I had to wake them. They were so cute and snuggly in bed that I hunted down my camera and took a picture of them sleeping. I had to cover them with kisses, they deserve the kisses, they deserve a happy Mommy and dammit that’s what they are going to get.

I know how to keep my anxiety hidden (most of the time, sometimes it breaks through but not to often). David is going to have surgery, hopefully they won’t cancel it again. I need to be strong for David and strong for Matthew. He’s old enough now to know that something is going on, something bad and he’s going to need my support.

Mommy’s got support from Daddy, Grandma Barb and Grandpa Ray, Grandma Anne and Grandpa Denny will all be there. We will all support each other, and have Matthew to keep us entertained why we wait for news on our David.

New Surgery Date...

January 17th... which happens to be my 34th birthday.

I told Paul on the way home from Ann Arbor last night... "I bet his new surgery date will be my birthday". 

Today went like this...

• Got to work, went to talk to Human Resources about NOT canceling my family medical leave, why in her office my cell phone rang.  (I hadn't put it on silent yet).  I looked at is and said "It's Ann Arbor" she told me to answer it.  It was Kim, Dr. Bove's receptionist giving me a new surgery date of February 1st.  I not so politely told her that was not an acceptable date and she needed to call me back with a better date then that.  She tried to pull that "I understand" line.  I asked her "do you have a child with a heart defect? No?  Then no you don't understand".  I was PISSED.
• At 9am when Dr Goble's office opened (his cardiologist here in Lansing) and talked to her receptionist.  She got a hold of the Dr. T that Paul talked to last night and told him about the phone call I got. 
• Dr. T called Paul and said that the February 1st date is probably going to be the date and gave him various reasons as to why.  Again... not good enough for me.
• 3:45pm ish.  Kim (Dr. Bove's receptionist) called.  Surgery is January 17th.  I asked her what the chances is that this one will get canceled and she said they have no way of knowing but that Dr. Bove does set his own schedule and he usually only does surgery on Monday's and Wednesday's.  January 17th is a Tuesday.  David is 1st and only case that day.  Chances of it getting canceled are slim but I am not betting my money on it.
• I've called the Ronald McDonald house and asked them to keep us on the list but switch the date.  I called hotel and re-reserved out rooms.  Now I am home with a stress headache trying to calm my butt down.

CANCELED AGAIN

We are NOT happy. They canceled on us AGAIN. At least they had the decency to do it the night before so we could come home and I can go to work tomorrow. Something about two emergency's. I understand emergencies happen but when is a heart not an emergency? What happen to this new state of the art hospital. The caseworker Paul talked to let on to there may not be enough staff?

SERIOUSLY???

When does my son have to become an emergency to get surgery?

Paul talked to a cardiologist from our Lansing office. Dr. Goble has a cardiologist from Ann Arbor that works in her office once a week. Dr. T. He happens to be the doctor that did David's last echo in Lansing, AND Ann Arbor, he was the one that oversaw the heart Cath. He happened to be the one on call for the Lansing office tonight. Paul talked to him.

Luck would have it Dr. T is going to be in Ann Arbor meeting with the surgeons tomorrow. He is going to get to the bottom of this. Why has our son been canceled on twice? He told us that David will NOT wait six more weeks for surgery. We could have surgery Thursday, Friday, next week. We don't know right now. We should have an answer tomorrow.

But this really does change our opinion of Mott, and not in a good way. They have a lot of butt kissing to make up for this crap.

I will be at work tomorrow so I cannot guarantee a update until after I get out of work but I will keep everyone posted.

A little negativity then I move on

Ugh, My anxiety is bothering me today. The doctor up my meds from 10mg to 20mg. I took the first 20 this morning. My anxiety is focused on being sick. If someone is sick around me, I feel sick, or I hear someone is. I’m not talking a cold sick I’m talking the barfing sick. I cannot handle it. I am surprised I am not a germ-a-phobia. A co-worker was out yesterday sick because she had been up the night before barfing. She’s here today and I am scared shitless to walk by her. I sat at my desk all day trying not to go into a full fledge panic attack over it. This crap sucks.


Matthew was barfy a week ago, only barfed once but I had full out panic attacks. I cannot handle puke. I am constantly afraid they are going to wake in the night and barf all over. Why? It’s stupid, it happens. What do I do if it does? Deal with it and move on. I’ve done it before so why the hell am I panicky about it now?

Doctor told me not many people are ever on the lowest does of the Lexapro that I am on and he’s actually surprised I stayed on the low does this long. So… hopefully this dosage up will help.

Why do I think it bothers me???

1. I do think I need to up my mgs.

2. I don’t do barf… period.

3. Christmas is this weekend and I don’t want anyone sick.

4. I don’t want anyone sick… period.

5. David’s surgery is a week from today and he cannot be sick, thus we cannot be sick so he doesn’t get it and if I am sick and can’t be there for my baby’s surgery I think I’ll die.

6. David can’t get sick after… he needs to recover.

7. I don’t have ANY time left at work so if I get sick, then I don’t get paid for that day and I don’t get my time back until March.

This sucks… December sucks. I’ve never felt good and always been panicky in December. A week and a half from now the difficult stuff will be over and I’ll probably, hopefully calm my ass down.

Oh and currently, both Paul and I have the scratchy throat and are popping pills like crazy trying NOT to get a cold. That’s a no no for surgery too. Plus David is starting to show true signs of needing surgery. His appetite is down and he’s getting tired much easier and quicker.

ARGH

8 more sleeps until Chrismtas

Christmas is almost here.  The boys count the day's by sleeps.  Last night it was one more sleep until we see Santa.  We are going to see him tonight.  11 more sleeps until David's surgery.  I now wish I hadn't counted that.  Gave me a little panic attack.  I can NOT wait until this year is over.

Boys had little parties at school and made some stuff.

Christmas is Coming...

Paul had his concert with the Lansing Concert Band last night.  The Lakewood Choral Society sang too.  Paul's Aunt Bev sings in that.  But my mind was just racing as I sat there listen listening to the beautiful music both groups produced.  I just CANNOT shut my mind off.

This morning didn't help much as I was checking my facebook posts.  The UofM hospital and Mott Children's hospital pages both had pictures of the first ICU patient being moved from the old hospital to the new shortly after 7 this morning.  I cried real tears as I looked at the pictures.

Why???

Many reasons why.

1.  I am kinda excited about David's surgery because I am excited to see and be in the new hospital.  Surgery means they will fix my baby.

2.  What if something goes wrong and David doesn't make it?  What if this is our last Christmas with him?  What am I going to do without him?

This cannot be happening to me.  I cannot think these bad thoughts.  As I type this he's sitting on the floor in front of me with a HUGE pile of dinosaurs.  That kid LOVES dinosaurs.  He's so healthy, how could anything bad happen?

The good thing with a mind that doesn't shut off is there is always something else to think about and get my mind off the current bad thought. We will move on and enjoy Christmas.  Take David to his surgery... three days after Christmas, and pray for the best.

Surgery Delay

Everything got messed up becasue there were no open beds in the ICU.  We got up Wednesday morning, I had taken a shower and was getting Matthew dress so we could go have breakfast.  David was drinking some water.  My cell phone rang... surgery canceled, no ICU beds.

Great... what the hell do we do now?  Wasted a whole freakin day of vacation time for NOTHING.  I am still pissed.  Surgery is now December 28th.  At least we will be in the new Mott for this one and chances of them delaying it again are slim, no surgery's the week of Christmas will give the kids in ICU more time to get better and out of there.

Hell Week is here :(

It's Sunday night... I am VERY nervous right now.  I've got so much to do tomorrow.

-Go to work
-Pack my clothes
-Pack Paul's clothes
-Pack Matthew's clothes
-Pack whatever I think David is going to need.
-Try not to freak the hell out

Luckily, my parents are going to come over for a little bit tomorrow evening.  Paul isn't going to be home so I am glad they are coming over.

I don't know what to do.  What to expect, yeah I've been through this twice before but he was five days for the first one and 10 months for the second.  He's now five... what do I do with a five year old in the hospital recovering from heart surgery?

I'm taking books, dinosaurs, stuff to color with and some cars.  Hopefully that's enough... oh and video's.

Sigh...

Two Weeks

I sit here thinking, two weeks from surgery date. Two weeks from right now he’ll be in the ICU recovering from open heart surgery. I am scared, terrified. I show no emotion about the matter currently. It still seems like a dream to me. Like it’s not really going to happen. Every phone call I make in prep for this date makes it seem more real. I’ve called the hospital reservation line and made reservations at the Red Roof Inn the night before surgery. I’ve called the Ronald McDonald house and put our name on the list.

I’ve called the school and had David put on the block list at school effective November 15th through the end of the month. This will allow me the freedom of NOT having to call him off school every day and I won’t get the phone call telling me my child wasn’t in school. I’ve also talked to his IEP people. They were going to re-evaluate him the week before Thanksgiving… well… now he’s having surgery the week before so I called them to get those dates moved up. I’ve even called Matthew off for the 16th so he can be there for the surgery.

I’ve called my orthodontist and moved my next appointment up a week. It was scheduled for the 14th but I’m going to be freaking the hell out that day and that will probably be the only day I work that week so it won’t give me a chance to make that time up. So it’s on the 9th instead.

Then the part that really has me stressed out…. We can NOT afford for me to miss work without pay. As of right now I have a total of two days and two hours. Since the week after surgery is Thanksgiving… IF David is still in the hospital then, I will go to work the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and then as long as I work that day and the Monday after I will get paid for the Thanksgiving holiday. So then I will only be missing one day and five hours of pay on that pay check. Hopefully he’ll be home from the hospital a week after surgery but we will have to wait and see. Knowing my luck I’ll be at work that Wednesday and then they will say he can go home that day.

I do NOT want to leave my baby in Ann Arbor without me, but what else am I going to do. If I don’t work Wednesday and Monday then I will miss a whole week worth of pay and we can NOT afford that.

Well enough of my sob story.

Surgery date is...

November 16th.

Sooner then wanted but Dr. Bove makes his own schedule and you basically do it when he says which in the end is fine by me.  Not really the best time of the month for us but we will deal.  This date is also Grandma Barb's birthday.  Again, not a date I would have chosen.  But... his last surgery was June 12, 2007 when he was 10mo old, that day was also the 3rd wedding anniversary for Paul and I, and since it's been so long since he's had surgery, apparently it's good luck for his surgery's to be on an important date.

So we've got three weeks to make our arrangements.  Do I call the Ronald McDonald house and put or name on the list?  I'm going to call them tomorrow and ask, and call the hotel line and make reservations thru them for an area hotel for the night before so we'll get the discount.

Pre-op is the day before surgery.

I'm nervous, I feel like I am in a fog, like this really isn't happening, like it's a bad dream and I want to wake up.

David's Learning Wall

David needs help, the help he didn't get in pre-school.  Yes I am bitter about it too.  So... I made David a learning wall.  Matthew is more then happy to help David with it too.

I went to the dollar store and got the alphabet, I was glad to see it was already cut and not one long sheet.  I taped it onto the wall.  He has to get the stool to reach the top row but I've told him to trace the letter with is finger.  Matthew keeps pointing out letter and saying them out loud to David.  Hopefully this helps David start to learn some basics.

Exhausted

Exhausted
a: to consume entirely
b: to tire extremely or completely
c: to deprive of a valuable quality ...

That is how I feel today… exhausted. My energy is entirely consumed. I am extremely and completely tired and I have been deprived of valuable quality sleep. Ugh…

I should just go to bed earlier, like when the boys go to bed early. Yeah it would be nice but that’s when I get my computer time, when I get to spend time with the hubster, alone, no kids. I haven’t been crawling into bed until he leaves for work which is roughly 11:30 pm and my alarm goes off at six am.

All I want to do is go home and sleep. I can’t take any more time off work. I have four days and two hours of combined vacation and sick time that I am saving for David’s surgery. I know I will be off longer then that so those day’s I won’t get paid for. I’m supposed to get a bonus check the first pay day in November. I think we’ll cash that and put it in the safe to help cover when I am off. Sadly, Paul only has about four days too. It’s easier for him to leave and go to work, working midnights then it is for me to leave my baby in Ann Arbor without me. My Mom has offered to stay with him when I work. I ‘might’ take her up on that but I don’t know. I will go stir crazy not being there with him so we’ll see.

The weather is downright shitty. Rainy, windy and cold. Not my idea of a good time. I hate this weather with a passion, I hate fall and winter I could totally do without. I don’t like the smell of fresh falling leaves, I don’t like the crisp cool air, I don’t like the crunch of the leaves that make a totally mess of my front yard, I don’t like wearing more clothing, I don’t like wearing shoes and socks, I don’t like hearing my boys complain because it’s cold. Most of all I don’t like the fact they are stuck inside our tiny ass house with nowhere to run and play.

Well, here’s to better days and looking forward to spring!

David Update

I talked to Dr. Goble (our cardiologist here in Lansing) she has direct link to the cardiologist in Mott.  Surgery is needed.  They will be working on his narrow Mitro Valve and the narrowing under the Aortic Valve. They will leave the ballooning area of the Aorta alone (fixing the narrowing may relive some of that).  Do not know when surgery will be yet because I am waiting for them to call me on that. 

Paul wants to wait until after Christmas, Dr. Goble doesn't want us to wait that long because of the horrible cold and flu season and doesn't want him to get sick.  I see Paul's point in waiting but I'd rather get it done and over with so we can move on and get back to our normal lives.  So it will be after the new Mott opens which is around the 12th of November but I think we are going to try to hit for the week after Thanksgiving.

I cried after I got off the phone.  Why my baby?  Why does he have to go through this?  I know this is something every parent of a heart baby had thought if not said out loud.  But I know we can handle it. We've done it before even though it was four years ago but he's a strong willed kid.

I'm ready... let's do this thing so we can move on.

Surgery in the near future

So results are in... David is going to need surgery.  How soon we don't know yet.  The meeting between the cardiologist and surgeons happens Monday afternoon.  Our cardiologist will get a hold of me next week.  We are trying to decided if we do it right before Thanksgiving, between Thanksgiving and Christmas or just after the first of the year.  I'm rooting for the first week of December but it will NOT wait until spring.  We do know that much.  Here are some pictures of what his current issues are.

Don't know what to make of it really... Worried for one.

Well... onward with our life, day by day.

Almost D Day

It's Monday night, tomorrow night we back a bag to head to Ann Arbor for David's heart Cath.  He's ready to 'go to the doctor' but he has no idea what's in store for him.  I'm very sad he has to go through this but this is what makes him such a strong little dude.  He's been doing AMAZING in school and I am so excited that he's learing and catching up on some things that Matthew knows and Matthew is finally learning not to answer for David and let him do it himself. 

Example... Tonight we had steak for dinner, David was sounding it out and asked me... "does is start with an S?" and Matthew said "good job David!"

So tonight I relax, tomorrow I pack and get NERVOUS.  Wednesday bright and early the craziness starts.

Wish us luck.

Changes

I am feeling much better thanks to a few changes I am making to make myself better.  First off... I am the queen of clutter.  We have a small house yes but we need to make do with what we have and make it a better place to live in why we are here.  We have so much clutter I get in a panic and don't  know where to start. 

Two weeks ago today I cleaned the bathroom and laundry room.  Both of which are still clean.  That has never happens before.  I've cleaned them yes but the clutter and mess always returns by weeks end... not this time!

The cat now named Butters... I have kept his litter cleaned up very well (he's messy).

Today I cleaned the livingroom.  Now it's not spotless by any means but it does look good.  I'm not done but it's an awesome start.

I know these things being cleaned are going to make my hubby happy so he'll be in a better mood and not so grouchy and then it will trickle down to all of us!

I'm Not Ready For This

I haven't been happy lately, my anxiety is getting to me and I'm starting to feel depressed lately too.  I'm not the happiest with my job or my family right now for various reason.  It's all stuff I'll get over but normally I get over stuff way faster then this.  It just hurts more this time. :(

I'm not ready for fall and winter... I absolutely HATE this time of year.  My SAD is already starting to act up (seasonal affective disorder) which is acting up early this year.  I'm sure that's part of my problem but I haven't had any good news lately to make me happy.

First... medical bills... collections calling my parents for money we owe them, seriously??? They call my parents??? I have no idea how the hell they got their phone number.  I will be calling them tomorrow and bitching them out for that.  Bills in general... we can never get ahead.  It would be nice to run into a bunch of money right now and pay some things off.

Second... I hate this house, it's to small and it sucks.  I hate living here, I hate it more and more each day.  We have the oportunity to rent my in-law's house which would be awesome but we'd have to get rid of this house.  If anyone knows the market... yeah... that's not going to happen.  We are stuck.

Third... We just got a cat.  Which I've been wanting for a long time.  He's a great cat.  He's only been with us for three days and he's already fit in but... I'm already 2nd guessing the decision to get him and may take him back.  Why?  Because Paul complains about the cat hair so much, that's all he's done since we got him.  The cost of buying food and litter when money is already tight, the adoption fee (which will get refunded if I take him back because he's not working out), and the fact that even though he's a great cat, loves to be petted and scratched he's been hiding under the bed most of the time and not out being a part of the family.  It's upsetting me so much it's causing me panic attacks just thinking about it.  I don't want to take him back but I am now thinking it'll be better for him.

Fourth... and the worst... David has to have another heart surgery.  To what extent we don't know yet.  He had a heart cath on October 5th we will know more details after that.

So yea, my life has been nothing but depressing lately.  I'm going to have a talk with the doctor about it tomorrow.  I'm already on meds for my anxiety.  I hate feeling like this.

Getting Ready!

I cannot believe my babies will be starting Kindergarten in less than two weeks.

We had a new parent meeting at the school today. I basically knew everything they told us but the only time Paul had been to the school was for Kindergarten round up and he didn’t know any of the other details. Then we got a tour of the school. I had been on this tour before when I went to the open house last spring. But most of the teachers were there getting their rooms ready. Matthew’s teacher was not but David’s was! I was SUPER excited about that. I’m really super glad we got to chat with her when she wasn’t busy. Since we are way more worried about David then Matthew we had a chance to talk to her about David’s issues so she had an idea of what was going on with him. Back to school night is on the 31st but there will be tons more kids there and parents so we would have less chance of having that one on one conversation with her. Then as we were leaving we chatted with the music teacher (that was right up Paul’s alley) and then had a good chat with the principal on the way out too. I am really excited to see what this school year brings us.

The boys NEED to get back to school. They have been getting naughtier and naughtier by the day, they take FOREVER to fall asleep at night and now I know why parent’s always said “Ugh, I cannot wait for school to start”. My kids are BORED. They need something to do and staying home all day all summer long is not their idea of a good time. I feel really bad we don’t have the extra money where we could have put them in day care or something a couple days a week. I feel bad. We will have to plan better for next summer to get them into more activities and such.

But none the less, I am excited for the new school year. Excited to see what the year will bring for my boys. See how much more Matthew can learn (smart little shit) and how much David will learn this year.

Kindergarten… Ready or not here we come!

Milestones...

A couple milestones have happened in the last week.  One being on August 2nd my babies turned 5.  Yes, five... my babies are not babies anymore but kids, kindergartners... not toddlers and preschoolers.  When did this happen?  I don't know if I am ready for this.  Second, five years ago yesterday 8/7 was the anniversary of David's first open heart surgery.  Five years ago right now we were in Mott's Children's Hospital in Ann Arbor, MI.  This time of night (9:50 pm) we were probably in the Ronald McDonald house trying to get some sleep with Matthew but worrying about David who was in the PICU.  Now here we are five years later, two open heart surgeries, one heart cath, some pneumonia and other minor issues and we have two wonderfully healthy five year old boys! 

The unjoyful part of having five year olds has hit.  They are MOUTHY and have taken to yelling at us when they don't like what we've told them to do.  It is getting pretty bad and is VERY ANNOYING.  Tonight David didn't want to go to bed, he stood in front of me and yelled at me, I just told him I wasn't going to kiss that nasty mouth good night tonight, not for talking to me like that. But yet they played together very good tonight, didn't fight over anything.  We even let them stay up an hour later and got treated like that by both of them.


But back to the good stuff...

Here are a few pictures!

And a few from their birthday party!

Sitting at my desk...

Sitting at my desk at work I overhear a lot of things. Just heard from one particular loud mouth just said to no one in particular “32 min left, hey it looks like the sun might wanna come out”. No one responded to her, no one spoke before her. Nothing. One co-worker that sits two cubicles behind me “E” sometimes has the funniest conversations on the phone. I only hear what she is saying and sometimes wonder what the heck the person on the other side is saying. Some of the one sided conversations I hear are the best.


I have a radio at my desk that I usually have on but sometimes the noise is just to much and I turn it off and just listen to the sounds of the office. If you’ve got your listening ears on you can hear the funniest shit. But this job is so elementary school. Another bothersome co-worker “S” has become the biggest tattle tale there is. I was standing at “E’s” desk talking about facebook. Yes I realize this is not really a work place topic but you’ve got to have some moral between your workers right? Anyways, she was complaining about the new facebook chat thing. It sucks, really… it does. But I was telling her if you download the latest version of yahoo messenger you can link it with your facebook and have all your friends on your messenger, if they are online they show up and you can chat with them right through the messenger. This conversation took two maybe three minutes. “S” cleared her throat real loud and went into the supervisor’s office to bitch. Seriously??? Are you a 50ish year old woman that childish? We were “interrupting and bothering her”. Kiss my big white ass you dumb bitch. So “E” being who she is stuck up for herself. That must be where I have learned that from. “E” doesn’t let anyone get away with stuff. So needless to say she and I were really irritated the rest of the day.

I just don’t have patience for stupidity… not at all. This particular person fits into that stupidity bracket. Just some of the things she says, does, or asks make you shake your head and wonder how these people are still alive.

Murphy's Law

Well this had been a shity week to say the least.  Sunday which if you look at the calendar actually starts the week… That day started off ok.  It was Paul’s 33^rd Birthday!  He played with his fishing supplies, I went and got him a Dairy Queen ice cream cake.  We were lazy.  It was to hot to do anything anyways.  We got ready to head out to his Uncle Gary’s house. They were having a little birthday party for Gary since he was turning 70 the next day.  He has a pool.  We got there and I was in the bathroom getting swim suits on me and the boys…

Then it all went to hell…

I came out and  Paul was standing there.  He told me “Get Dressed, we are going to Cadillac”.  See… My parents bought a pop up and this was going to be their first weekend camping since I was a little kid.  They were going to camp at Mitchell State Park in Cadillac.  Apparently they got there and was filling the water tank up Dad slipped on some slimy water on the ground and busted his head open.  He was in the hospital, with a head injury waiting transport to Grand Rapids where their would be a neuro-surgeon on hand if the bleeding in his skull got worse.  So Paul and I drove all the way up there, got the van keys from a nurse at the hospital, went to the campground, hooked the camper up drove to Grand Rapids, stopped at the hospital to see Dad, by this time it was after 11:pm.  Got Mom, took her back to the van to get what she needed out of it for the night, left her to go back to the hospital with our car, drove their van and trailer back home.  Monday the bleeding was a bit better so they decided to let him go home.  Got that all settled…

Tuesday… I woke up about 1:30 am feeling like crap.  Throat hurt, hot and sweaty, weak.  Just ick… called into work.  Finally went to the doc later that evening after seeing the white spots on my throat.  Quick test for strep is negative, (which has a high rate of false negatives).  They give me drugs anyways and sent it off for the three day test.  Still don’t know on that but 48 hours I am feeling much better.  They say if it’s not strep then it’s the viral one that acts like strep, that antibiotics won’t fix but if I had that then would I really be feeling better already?

Wednesday… I get to work, shit load of work to do.  We are down three people because they won’t replace one they moved to a different department.  One is out on Medical leave, another on vacation.  BACKED UP work load, cannot get anything done in a timely fashion.  Then another co-worker wanted to think she was my boss and chew me out, and a supervisor who I KNOW doesn't like me rides my ass all the time and I wish she's pay more attention to her department and leave me the hell alone.  Then... it starts raining... thundering... lightening... POURING... Paul has to be to work at midnight.  Just after Paul leaves I post something on facebook praying the thunder doesn't wake the boys up, then I go to bed.  Paul texts me, the roads are flooded, heavy rain.

Thursday... midnight ish (Thursday morning) BOOM.  I hear Matthew scream MOMMY.  Thunder woke him up, it was LOUD.  I get him out of bed and he bolts to my bed.  I tell David "If you get scared you can come to Mommy's bed too."  I lay down... BOOM... I hear David whimper.  I go in there, he's curled in the fetal position shaking and cannot move.  I pick him up and carry him still in the fetal position to my bed.  Get him calmed down.... BOOM.  He's now trying to crawl under me and my two pillows, shaking.  I pull him out to he doesn't suffocate himself.  He clamps his arm around my neck and will not let go.  I finally get David to sleep and then put him in his own bed.  It's quiet outside.  It was a long thunderstorm.  12:45am ish Paul calls me... the drive into Auto-Owners where he works, flooded guess who stalled his car... yep Paul.  Well and his supervisor.  Great... then he texts me just before 2am.  Thanks babe... NOT.  Asks me to get the water off the boat cover.  So outside I go with a small piece of hose to cyphen the water off the boat.  Luckily my dad has taught me well and I didn't have to use the stupid hand pump thing he's got on there.  I rock!

So I get the boys up and take them to go get Paul at work, then my mom takes him home and takes the boys home with her for the day. She's still taking care of my Dad and his head injury. Paul proceeds to sleep all day instead of waking up to realize the insurance people did not call him back and call them back.  I get the boys from my parents Matthew had a headache, I get him home and he's got a fever of 100.3.  I gave him Tylenol and he's starting to act better.  I hope it's just the fact that he only got 6hours of sleep last night as apposed to his normal 11.  So off to bed early they go tonight.  I'm still not feeling 100% but much better.

Here's to hoping tomorrow is much better.

The Devil Called...

He want's his weather back.

It's been HOTTER THEN HELL HERE for a couple weeks.  The weekend after July 4th we went camping which would have been wonderful had it not been hotter then hell.  It was 90'F and our campsite was FULL SUN.  We couldn't even hang out at our campsite until dark because it was so freakin hot.  Last Saturday wasn't to awful bad.  My parents watched the boys, I went tubing while Paul slept (damn 3rd shift).  Then there was a cookout and bonfire.  Fun times with friends!  I LOVE tubing and am ready to go again.  This time with a tube that won't deflate when it hits a rock.  The air valve shouldn't be on the bottom where a rock can catch it and pop it open just as you are going over the rapids.  Anyways...

The boys enjoyed a couple days of Vacation Bible School with the family I used to babysit for.  They didn't go Monday because I forgot about it or today because they couldn't pick them up and it just wasn't going to work for me to drag them all the way across town to drop them off then drive to the other side of town and be to work on time.

I'm annoyed with life right now.  I figured out why.  The little white happy bill (Lexapro) I rely on to keep my panic disorder at bay... I keep forgetting to take.  I gotta get back on that.  I didn't realize I had mild depression until I let that pill get out of my system then I realize how I've been acting lately and realize it's me not them that needs an attitude adjustment.

The boys are annoying... I can't get them up and ressed in the morning without having to yell at them.  They don't listen to me or anything, they start acting stupid just as soon as they are both awake.  I know, they are almost five (in 12 days! YIKES!) and they are boys, it's their job to annoy the shit out of momma right?  Some days they are fun to be around, other days I just want to pinch their little heads right off.... lol.

Paul... well he acutally hasn't been annoying me much lately.  I think he figured the boys were doing good enough on that so he'd better back off.  It's just everyone else... oh uh... me.

Even work is annoying the crap out of me but that's nothing new and nothing the little white pill handles.  Some people are so dumb... enough said.

Today was a co-workers birthday.  I sang to her...

Happy Birthday to you
You work in a zoo
Some look like monkey's
Some smell like them too.

That got a lot of laughs.  And yes, I made that up off the top of my head.  I didn't want to tell her she looked like a monkey even though she does... just kidding.  I LOVE MY SHELIA!  At least she doesn't smell like one... lol.  I crack me up!

This weekend is Paul's birthday.... Well Sunday.  He will catch up to me in age.. cough... 33... cough.  Saturday after he get's home from work he's going to sleep a bit then we are going out.  Not sure what we are doing but he said not to make any plans for the day.  Then Sunday I have a bridal shower then there is a party at his uncle's house for his Uncle's 70th birthday which is Monday.  At least they have a pool and we can swim.

Next weekend the 31st we are going to have the boys 5th Brithday party!  Keeping it very small.  I can't believe my babies are going to be five on August 2nd.

I'll close with a few pictures!

TTFN

Ugh...

I’m sitting at work today with my anxiety bothering me BAD. I just want to go home, take a xanax and crawl into bed and not wake up. Take me out of this nightmare.


Let me start by saying I DID NOTHING WRONG (at first).

My nephew Andrew, my buddy since his birth. My sister took him away from us when my boys were born and moved to Kentucky. Followed her ex husband down there because she thought they could work things out. Didn’t work out that way. This last winter the said ex and his new wife who is from Michigan also, moved back. My sister stayed in Kentucky.

Well this summer my nephew is here in Lansing staying with his Dad and step mom for the summer. I sent his step mom a message on facebook asking her if I could spend some time with Andrew. I have not seen him since February when my Grandpa died. I MISS HIM. I sent a nice message, said nothing wrong but apparently the bitch took it the wrong way. She called my sister who in turn called me and bitched me out on my voice mail… twice. I didn’t answer because I knew what happened. I DID NOTHING WRONG.

I was at my parents when the voice mails came in. She called my Mom and drug my parents into it AGAIN. I’m tired of her dragging them into everything and I’m tired of them letting her do that to them.

Anyways… on my way home Friday I was getting more and more pissed. Especially at the step mom because I hadn’t done nothing wrong. So I got home, then I did the wrong thing. But now I don’t care. I sent the step mom the nastiest message (private message) on facebook I could. I was PISSED. I told her I was pissed she started a fight between my sister and I again. That she lied about the weekend before (I had asked for Andrew the weekend before to take him to a ball game. They told Heidi no because they were going up north but instead went to someone’s house over by Detroit where the said Dad got so drunk he couldn’t even drive his family home the next morning… how classy. I told her how I am so tired of them using Andrew as a pawn against each other and one day he’s going to grow up and realize what ass holes his parents are. So yea, I shouldn’t have did it but I did. You can only take so much you know.

So I posted on my wall on my facebook… something like “Andrew buddy, I love you. Your mom probably hates me know but someday when you turn 18 I will find you and get to spend some time with you”.

Oh the nasty comment I got from my sister. I had to wind up blocking her and said step mom from my facebook. I got nasty text from step mom and my sister and had to go into Verizon’s website and block them from contacting me.

My sister told me to (excuse my French) “I am done with you bitch Fuck Off and you will never see MY son again.”

So again, I don’t have a sister. Someday when Andrew turns 18 I WILL find him.

I am stressed out about the situation, not because of the loss of my sister, I don’t care about that bitch. And don’t tell me about how someday she will be all I have because I DON’T CARE. I have never cared for my sister, I have just tolerated her for my parents sake. She has always been a red headed bitch… ALWAYS. Even as kids I didn’t like her but I had no choice then. I do now. She’s always negative and rarely says anything positive to me. I’m tired of dealing with is, hearing it and most of all putting up with it. This is the third time she’s done this shit to me.

So I am done. I will not apologize to her, I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t need her in my life, I don’t need the negativity in my life. I tried to tolerate her after the last two and I just cannot do it anymore.

I don’t feel sorry for me. I feel sorry for Andrew and for my parents who have two kids that cannot get along. I’m sorry for them that they keep letting her drag them into this shit. I’m a little upset that they keep letting her to this to them. They stress over it but they bring it on themselves by letting her drag them in. She’s always been like this and she always will. She has such mental issues and she needs help.

Christmas should be fun…. NOT

Andrew

Well I guess I give up trying to spend some time with my nephew. Andrew buddy. I love you with all my heart. I'm sorry your Dad and Leslie are assholes. Your Mom probably hates me now but all I was trying to do was spend some time with you. I miss you so much I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm sorry for the mess you are in. Hopefully when you turn 18 I will find you and be able to spend some time with you

As I Cry

So I was reading one of my favorite blogs (Click this link to read her blog)  today and she posted pictures from fathers day. Yes a little late but so what. Her middle child is battling cancer. Such a sweet little angle face. Why does God do this to people? Anyways… Fathers day was the day her daughter went in for her next round of chemo, she talked about how they spent it with the family, both set’s of parents were there, how they tried to keep it upbeat and be positive and how she cried all day long. But the thing she said that really got me was this…

“During this time of Lucy's illness I have been keenly aware of the emotions that my parents and Erik's parents live with everyday. Not only are they grieving the illness of their granddaughter but they are also having to watch helplessly as their own daughter and son suffer and experience indescribable heartache. This whole experience has solidified my belief that you will never, ever grow too old to want to take care of your children.”

How true is that?

When I was in the hospital and gave birth to my twins I worried about Me and my babies. David having heart surgery at five days old and again a few months later. I worried about US. I never once thought about what my parent’s or Paul’s parents were feeling. This really makes me sad now and I cried as I read what Kate had posted.

Now yes, I do know that at the time it was my job to worry about me and my babies but now that things are calmed down and David is a normal (well… how normal can he be, he takes after me) healthy almost five year old I should really thank our parents for everything they have done for us.

Paul and I are so lucky to have the parents we have. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

My Invention and Cancer

So I had an idea which turned into an invention that worked!  We have the boys in the big bedroom because they just need more room.  Well that room has the big closet but where their bunk beds are covers half the closet.  I had their clothes hanging in the back part but it was/is such a pain in the ass to get around the bed.  So... the cubby area to the right of the closet I got a shower rod and put it across there.  Securing the pole with a couple small nails under it so it doesn't slide down the wall.  It has grips but our walls are semi gloss and slippery.  Here is a picture.

Now I can have my closet back!  I'm going to organize that and put the stuff we don't wear much and seasonal stuff back behind the bed area and just rotate as needed.  I'm quite excited about my little 'invention'.  Now the boys can actually wear the other half of their clothes.

Ok, now onto the bad news....

A cousin of mine pass away today.  She started out with breast cancer then it just went all through her body.  My Aunt found her this afternoon.  She had been gone a while at that point because she was already cold.  I wasn't close to this cousin because we just never did stuff with my Dad's side of the family like we did my Mom's, and she's a bit older then me but still.

I just recently lost another cousin on that side to.  This one lived in Florida and I had never ever met her, she was quite a bit older then me, I think she was old enough to be my Mom, but I had chatted with her quite a bit and really liked her.

Well that's it for now.  Just wanted to share that much.  It sound like WWIII out side tonight.

Camping

The boys made it out alive from their first camping trip.  We didn't go far, just to Sleep Hallow but we had fun.  They liked sleeping in the tent in their Lightening MacQueen sleeping bags.  I barely got my camera out.  Don't really know why but just didn't.  I did get a couple with my camera but it was quite dark and they little shits wouldn't hold still to save their lifes.

 1st we have Paul he's not happy with me.  He was a bit of a grouch that weekend.  But to my right is the fire pit, my left is the tend.  On the left of this pic you can see I caught Matthew mid air running.

 This one is David on the left, Matthew on the right with flash, this is how dark it was when I took this pic.

This one was taken no flash, looks brighter outside but it wasn't really this light.  David's blurry because he could not stand still.   But you can see our tent and stuff behind them.

They had fun.  To much fun.  They cannot wait to camp again.  We only stayed two nights Saturday and Sunday night.  By the time we got up Sunday Matthew was ready to go home to his 'big house'.  I put them to bed last night and I swear it took them maybe 30 seconds to fall asleep.

Next trip is Ionia State Park.  We tried to change it to Waterloo but they wanted to change us another $24 in fees to transfer our reservation.  How freakin stupid.

Updating

I really want to get the blog rolling.  I have some favorites that I read quite often and noticed they have links at the top leading to other pages so I wanted get mine like that.  I have one that is about David, Matthew, Paul and I.  CHD facts and Twin facts.  Check them out!

Happy Anniversary

Paul and I are on vacation without the boys!  We are having fun but Mommy does miss her boys awful bad.  We ventured out late Friday because Paul's boat was supposed to be getting fixed.  Damn boat place.  Grand Pointe Marina SUCKS.  Anywho... we got to Higgins Lake and set up camp.  It was cold but we made do, at least it was still daylight out.  Camping in the cold was not all that fun.  We had the little roll things that Paul thought would be fine to sleep on... NOT.  We did stay sorta warm in our sleeping bags but we only got about four hours of broken sleep that first night.  

We woke up at 4:45am and had to pee so we trucked off to the potty.  Got back and in our sleeping bags, then it started to rain.  Not to heavy.  About an hour later we got up, it started to rain a bit more and we couldn't sleep so we got in the car and went down to check out the boat launch.  We went back to the tent and ate cereal, it had started raining much harder by this time and we discovered the tent isn't quite waterproof.  The rain fly leaks.  Not bad but we put what we could in the storage tubs covered the rest with a poncho and went to Mackinaw City for a little bit.  We came back to a couple small  puddles in the tent so not bad.  We did get the boat out for a few hours but it was COLD.  We did sleep a little bit better that night.

Yesterday we drove down to Houghton Lake and stayed at the cabin with my best friend Kellie and her Dad.   Paul went out on the boat while I played bingo with Kellie and Neil.  Then we went for a boat ride.  Luckily the sun had come out and it warmed up.  We slept AWESOME.  Yesterday was our 7th Wedding Anniversary.

Today we are at the Soaring Eagle Casino and Resort.  We have a nice room for the night.  A pedestal tub in the room, an NON WORKING fireplace and the floor lamp has a burned out bulb.  Not to happy.  I'm typing this and then going to talk Paul into a dip in the pool.  Then back down to gamble some more.  I've already gambled away to much.

Hugs to all.

Today was an adventure

The boys stayed with Grandma Barb & Grandpa Ray last night.  They had fun.  Then today was My parents 46th wedding anniversary!  Congrats to them!

We decided to drive down to Cabela's today and take my parents with us so they wouldn't set home on their anniversary and do nothing.  Paul wanted to take the boat out but we were supposed to get storms.

We got to Cabela's and everything was cool as a cucumber... well not outside.  Outside it was HUMID.  We had just went upstairs to the camping section to check that out then head out.  They came across the speaker and told everyone to go to the shoe department and back into the warehouse because there was a TORNADO WARNING.  I was a little freaked out.

My Mom had just walked away with the boys so Paul and I could look at the camping stuff since we are starting that adventure.  Dad was off.... somewhere.  But I KNEW she didn't hear the speaker so I took off toward her and apparently she knew something was wrong by the look on my face.   Paul ditched the cart and took the boys down the steps.  I got my parents toward the elevator since my dad was in an electric scooter, he has super bad knees.  Then I ran back toward the stairs and down them to find Paul and the boys.  I was nervous until we were all together again then I was fine.  We were back in the warehouse for almost and hour before they let us out.

Luckily nothing bad happened.  But after getting home and as I am typing this the FOX news in on and there was a possible tornado in Eaton Rapids, Mason I think they said, and Perry.  They are saying it'll either be straight line winds or a tornado but the national weather service has to verify it.  They did just say the one by Perry was confirmed.

Yikes!


I've had it with this weather.


Well I am off to bed since Paul want's to get up before six in the morning to go fishing.  The boys are NOT going to like that.

Kindergarten Here We Come!

We had Kindergarten round up last Friday.  I was very surprised they had us leave without the boys.  I didn't totally like that but it was fine.  Testing the kids without the parent influence isn't a bad idea I just we had been warned before hand.  I wouldn't have taken the whole afternoon off work.  But they enjoyed themselves.

I CANNOT BELIEVE MY BABIES ARE GOING TO BE IN KINDERGARTEN

I just want to cry.  Where did my babies go.  Oh, and the smart mouths and potty talk they've picked up at school.  Lordy, it's awful.  We had to remind the boys to act like David and Matthew not like the other kids at school.  I mean it's not extreme but still... very annoying.  I know it only get's worse.

Then poor David woke up during the night with a 102' degree fever.  I gave him some tylenol and when he woke up in the mornin... excuse me... when I woke him up the next morning it was still 100' and since the pedatrician is open until noon on Satruday for sick kids I called them.  We were the last appointment.  I told them "when you ask him what feels yucky he touches his throat".  They took him to weight him.... 34lbs.  When we got back in the room they were ready to swabb him.  Strep Throat.  So guess what... they decided to swab Matthew, they weighted him... 40lbs.  Then I heard them say to the doctor "Two positives on room four".  That's us... two cases of strep.  Awesome.... NOT

Luckily for Matthew they caught it early enough that he had no clue he was sick but she said my Monday he would have been feeling sick.  So antibiotics for both boys.  Chewable... much easier then trying to get them to take liquid.  That's like trying to give a cat a bath.

So that's where we are at.  Summer vacation is almost here, not sure yet what we are going to do with the boys all summer.  I have a few ideas that I need to make some calls on.  I'm excited for Kindergarten next year but sad.

TTFN

Interesting

I hate it when I don't feel safe in my own home.

Tonight it's two young kids in a parked car in front of my house with the parking lights on for about an hour and a half now.  Well that's how long we 'know' they've been there.  After about a half hour Paul called the police and about five min before they got here the two, a boy and girl got out and walked west out of our view.  Paul decided to go into work late because he didn't feel safe, neither did I.  Just as Paul was leaving for work the police showed up.  He talked to them.  They came back to the car and the police rolled up on them again and talked to the female then left.  They are still sitting in the car, in front of my mailbox with the parking lights on.  It's thundering, lightening, and pouring rain. 

Sigh...

So I am not in bed.  One, because of the thunderstorm.  They don't bother me like the used to but since I am currently home alone with the boys during the night, I get a little more nervous with them.  Luckily, the boys sleep through them.  Two, the car is STILL parked out front.  I wish they would go away.

In other news...

We are excited for spring.  The boys have spent every decent day after school outside until I get home from work!  Let my babies run!  I fell in love with my daffodils this year.  The boys had a pretty quiet Easter, nothing to exciting.  I had a good Mother's day though Matthew decided to go to bed sick the night before.  Turns out the poor boy has a sinus and ear infections.  Making him take liquid meds it like holding a cat down to clip her nails.


Well, the car is finally gone from in front of my house and the storm is passing.  It's not that bad.  So I am going to try to get my beauty sleep.  Lord knows I need it!

Pics Below

 

Thinking...

Today sucked major donkey balls.  Paul snored so loud in my ear all night.  I hardly slept, makes for an angry wife.  I know it's not his fault, he doesn't know he's doing it but I spent all night shoving him.  I figured if I wasn't getting any sleep neither was he.  Then I was PO'd about a few other things.

Then tonight I came across this blog http://sadandchara.blogspot.com/ again.  Chad lost his pregnant wife and unborn daughter in a bad car accident this last winter.  They live in a city south of me.  I guess they had tried for quite a few years to get pregnant.  This was their first child, a girl and Sara was only a month from her due date.  They were hit by a semi.  I 'think' Chad was in the car too, if so he wasn't hurt very bad but Sarah was hurt BAD.  They kept her alive long enough to do an emergency C-section in the ER to try and save baby Miranda.  She didn't make it.  So now Chad is left without his wife or child. 

I read his blog again.  I did right after the accident but lost the link to it.  I came across it again.  He writes letters to his wife sometimes daily.  Reading them makes me realize again how much I love my husband and kids.  How much I would be lost without them.  Why I am still very irritated with the snoring and my children lack of ability to act decent in public, and the lack of the ability to listen it doesn't make it seem so bad.

I pray for him to find peace and the strength to move on.

WE ARE IN!!!

The got into Windemere Park Charter Academy!!!

I was so excited I cried!  Of course we had to have one person try to smash our happiness.  If you read Paul's facebook you'll know who.  She deleted me from hers before I even knew what was going on.  Some people don't see good in anything and they are not worth my energy.  I have no idea why she did that.  I sent her a message but the one she responded with was so long I didn't even read it.

But yay!!!  I am so excited to finally know what is going on with the boys next school year.  Now I've got a ton of paperwork to fill out and take in, and I've got to start looking for school uniforms.  Anyone have any size 4T and 5T plain polo shirts, and dress pants they'd like to get rid of?