Thoughts

It sometimes takes bad things in your life to make you realize all the good things you have going for you. I have family that I cannot see that I miss terribly, but I don’t have to deal with the stress. I have family that has passed away that I would give almost anything to have back, but they are no longer suffering. We have more bills then money but we have a two wonderful boys and a warm house to live in. Our house is way too small for us, but at least we have a warm place to live. David surgery has gotten canceled twice now, but at least we get those weeks to spend with him when he’s not in pain, and he’s happy.
The reality of this surgery hit’s you, there is a possibility he won’t make it. During surgery he’s put on a ‘heart lung bypass machine’. He’s basically dead during that time. I ‘think’ it basically keeps his organs going so they can stop his heart to work on it. This really freaks me out. I try not to think about it, I just pray my baby wakes up, normal. Normal as he was before surgery, no brain damage, nothing just the same kid but with a fixed heart.

As a mother of a special needs child you try not to think of the bad things, it’s not easy. We’ve had the discussion “What do we do with him if he doesn’t make it?” Not a fun subject to talk about but something you should talk about even briefly if you have a child that is facing a life threatening situation. It took us five maybe ten minutes to come up with an idea. That way if it does happen we are on the same page when we can’t even think straight.

Me, with my anxiety disorder, night time is the worst. I lay in bed in a quiet house and I can NOT shut my brain off no matter how hard I try. EVERYTHING runs through my mind and I try my hardest to keep a panic attack from taking over and making me really freak out. I tend to find comfort in my cat. If I have him snuggling with me, it calms me to stroke his soft silky fur. He’s a good cat and is usually not far from my side. Paul is a good source of comfort for me too, he doesn’t really understand my thoughts and feelings but he try’s his best. I think my anxiety frustrates him because he doesn’t know how to make it better for me. He also thinks I should just ‘get over it’ but he doesn’t understand, it’s not that easy.

But like this morning… I had a rough night. I didn’t sleep good. I’m battling this minor illness, trying not to get a cold. I get up and get ready for work. I have to wake the boys so they can go to work with me, where Paul will meet me to take the boys back home since they are still on winter break. They were both sleeping so sweetly. I HATED the fact that I had to wake them. They were so cute and snuggly in bed that I hunted down my camera and took a picture of them sleeping. I had to cover them with kisses, they deserve the kisses, they deserve a happy Mommy and dammit that’s what they are going to get.

I know how to keep my anxiety hidden (most of the time, sometimes it breaks through but not to often). David is going to have surgery, hopefully they won’t cancel it again. I need to be strong for David and strong for Matthew. He’s old enough now to know that something is going on, something bad and he’s going to need my support.

Mommy’s got support from Daddy, Grandma Barb and Grandpa Ray, Grandma Anne and Grandpa Denny will all be there. We will all support each other, and have Matthew to keep us entertained why we wait for news on our David.