The Day I Became a Heart Mother
One day my world came crashing down, I'll never be the same.
They told me that my child was sick.
I thought, "am I to blame"?
I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.
It seemed my heart was breaking.
I have loved him for so long.
I will not give up on this child.
I will listen to your advice.
I will give my child any chance.
No matter what the price.
I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.
I'll even use that feeding tube.
My child must survive!
Will he need a lot of therapy?
Will he gain the needed weight?
Please God, help me do this.
I will accept our fate.
When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.
How many parents would love that sound.
Tomorrow I will be kinder.
As another Angel earns his wings, I run to my child's bed.
I watch him sleep for quite a while.
I bend down and kiss his head.
I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.
I look to You wondering why?
Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways....no matter how I try.
And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.
My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!
From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.
From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.
From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.
With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.
For all who see that faded line.
I look to them and smile.
You see my child is loved so much.
I would face ANY trial.
That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).
God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).
A heart mom is always a heart mom.
Now wise beyond her years.
For those who have angels in heaven,
Our hearts share in all of your tears.
Every day I will try and remember,
I was chosen for him (and no other).
I will always embrace that beautiful day.......
When I became a "Heart Mother".
- Author Unknown
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Happy Days
The boys are growing like WEEDS. It's amazing to watch them grow. Their little voices are just blasting thru the house. Real words are joining us. Matthew has lots and lots of favorites, he is facinated by the moon, and bus's. They both get super excited when we go by the ball park downtown and start yelling "LUGNUTS" which comes out as 'nugnuts'. It's so cute. David puts his finger to his chin and goes 'hmmm, I don't know'. Can we say melt Mommy's heart. They call each other babies. Matthew will say "babies" David is answer with "what". And now David calls Matthew Babies too. I guess they don't like the names we gave them? Sorry little men you are stuck with them... at least until you turn 18 and can go change it yourself.
David eats like a PIG. Where he is putting it I don't know because he's skinny as ever. The boys are only in the 10-20th percentile for weight but in the 90th for height. The doctors said they are long an lean. Yes Mam, so were we when we were little. Not so much now but when I was young I was long and lean. No potty training yet. Not quite ready yet. Matthew is starting to show some signs but not enough. I did set them on it once just to see what they would do and at least they are not scared of it so that's great. We don't have a little potty chair because we don't have room for one. So we have a little seat that sits on the big potty and that is what they are going to learn on. We are going to start working on it full force after Christmas.
As for Developement of my two little goofballs. David is finally catching up. The braces (we call them steps) are working WONDERFULLY. We are tring to get childrens special health insurance to help pay for them but we just got denied so I'm trying to get more info sent to them so they will approve it. Our copay for the braces is $700 and we cannot afford that. He'll need new ones at least every year as he grows. But he's finally catching up.
So all in all life is great around here. Not looking forward to winter at all but then comes spring. I'm hoping David does not get penumonia this winter. He had it three times last year. All in the spring. One time put us in the hospital for three days. NOT FUN. My dad gave me a stehascope so I can listen to his heart and lungs closer on my own. I will be taking that to his next cardio appointment so she can tell me what to listen to and kinda explain what his murmer sounds like. I can tell a difference when I listen to his heart and Matthew's.
Well happy fall all!
David eats like a PIG. Where he is putting it I don't know because he's skinny as ever. The boys are only in the 10-20th percentile for weight but in the 90th for height. The doctors said they are long an lean. Yes Mam, so were we when we were little. Not so much now but when I was young I was long and lean. No potty training yet. Not quite ready yet. Matthew is starting to show some signs but not enough. I did set them on it once just to see what they would do and at least they are not scared of it so that's great. We don't have a little potty chair because we don't have room for one. So we have a little seat that sits on the big potty and that is what they are going to learn on. We are going to start working on it full force after Christmas.
As for Developement of my two little goofballs. David is finally catching up. The braces (we call them steps) are working WONDERFULLY. We are tring to get childrens special health insurance to help pay for them but we just got denied so I'm trying to get more info sent to them so they will approve it. Our copay for the braces is $700 and we cannot afford that. He'll need new ones at least every year as he grows. But he's finally catching up.
So all in all life is great around here. Not looking forward to winter at all but then comes spring. I'm hoping David does not get penumonia this winter. He had it three times last year. All in the spring. One time put us in the hospital for three days. NOT FUN. My dad gave me a stehascope so I can listen to his heart and lungs closer on my own. I will be taking that to his next cardio appointment so she can tell me what to listen to and kinda explain what his murmer sounds like. I can tell a difference when I listen to his heart and Matthew's.
Well happy fall all!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
My Views on Christianity
I grew up in a church setting. My parents raised me that way. I loved it until I got older and it wasn’t because I wanted to ‘sin’. It was because of what happend in the curch I grew up in. There was a older man that was a part of our church. His name was Dick (and no I did not change his name to protect anyone, the man is dead now). He took over the youth group that I was a part of even though he had no kids that I know of. Even in my teen years I knew something wasn’t right with this man. I didn’t care for him much and I didn’t trust him.
As it turns out my feelings about him was correct. He was a genuine con-artist. Because of this man the church people all turned against each other and there was a huge split. The man could not add 2+2 and equal four. He tried to say the pastor was stealing money. My Mom was the secretary and treasure and she had proof that her figures were correct and Dicks was wrong. The bastard even tried to say my Mom and the Pastor (Jim) were having an affair which was false. The whole problem started because the church was having financial problems and couldn’t make ends meet. My Mom would come home crying because of this mess. When Dick had done his deed he left the church taking half of the people with him. People I had grown to love and trust believed this man’s lies and followed him to another church. They call themselves Christians.
Another man named Gary came to the church and was good friends with Dick. Gary was one of those bible thumping, in your face, I am always right Christians. The kind I cannot stand. Gary got paid a surprise visit by another church member and they caught him having a pot party in his house. Later after the split Gary’s children turned him in for sexually abusing them. He even raped his own son. He is now in jail. And he called himself a Christian.
I said my Mom was secretary and treasure. My Dad was maintenance. My parents basically ran the church. The pastor himself wasn’t very bright. He was a nice man. I liked him he just was clueless of everyday things. His wife was really nice but didn’t deal with any of the behind scenes of the church. My Mom did it. Since we lived less then a quarter mile from the church my parent ran for every need. They were always the one to go unlock the doors, lock them back up. If something happened they responded. My Mom spent so much time up there, freezing in the winter because they couldn’t afford to run the heat full time in the winter. She ran everything. She would come home so stressed because she couldn’t pay all the bills for the church. After the pastor got paid there wasn’t much money left and he ALWAYS got paid first.
To top that off my Mom had to worry about her own bills. My Dad had lost is job because the plant closed down. My own family couldn’t make ends meet and she had the stress of that. My Mom would cry. She became very moody, withdrawn, depressed, angry, and would cry at the drop of a hat. It was to much for her to handle. I had to sit back and watch. My parents fought more and more. I hated that church.
Pastor Jim left. To find a better place. We had no clue he was looking for another church. We got some pastor in there, all I remember was his last name was Moon. He was kinda shady. Tried to ‘improve’ the church. Spending money the church didn’t have. He didn’t last long. Then we got a female pastor Jeanette Post. Who I LOVED. She was great. Had a background working with kids which was right up my alley. But, she moved on to better things. I still wonder often where she is today. My Mom had to suffer through all this too. Then Pastor Sprunger came in and worked with the church for a bit. He was friends of Pastor Jim so we all knew him. He did the best he could do for the church really.
There was nothing left to save. Honestly I don’t know how it all ended. I was old enough to not go so I didn’t because I hated it. I just know that it in fact ended and they church has been sold and belongs to someone else now.
Because of this my feeling of Christians and churches is different. I hate bible thumping, in your face Christians. You know the ones that try to force Christianity on you. Ok I guess hate is a strong word but I dislike them very much.
Here is an example...
These names are changed but this is a true story.
One family, the Smith’s I was very close to. Especially their younger daughter. She is 7 years younger then me but she was my favorite. Yes I still talk to her today, but she lives far away and I miss her. Anyways, the Smith’s had an older adult son. Old enough to drink and make his own decisions his name was Scott.
Another family the Michael’s had a couple adult daughters. One daughter’s name was Debbie. This family is the bible thumping type.
Well Scott came to town and went out on a date with Debbie. Scott being a wild one took Debbie out and Debbie drank and got drunk. Scott and Debbie had sex and Debbie got pregnant. Basically Scott wanted a piece of ass and Debbie gave it to him.
Well Scott didn’t want anything to do long term with Debbie or the baby so he signed off parental rights. The Smith’s wanted to see their Granddaughter. They didn’t want the baby to know that they were her real Grandparents they just wanted to be known and special friends. Well the Michael’s won’t allow it because of what their son did to their daughter. The Michael’s are hold what Scott did against them.
Well excuse me, Scott and Debbie were both adult when it happened. It is not the Smith’s fault, Debbie drank on her own, he didn’t force her to. Debbie is as much at fault as Scott is. The daughter of the two is now a teen and Debbie got married and her husband adopted the daughter.
Also, the Michael’s don’t like the way the Smith’s younger daughter turned out and they hold that against them too. Well she is an adult now and can make her own decisions. She likes to go out and party with her friends but she is an overall good girl. She had the same view’s about this mess as I do. These bible thumping Christians have turned us against church.
Like I said, I talk on the internet with the Smith’s a lot. Especially their daughter. Well just recently I found the Michael’s on facebook. The mom and Debbie. I sent the mom a message and the first thing she responded back was. "I hope you are taking those boys to church". I wanted to say "No, I am not and you people are the reason why".
Now don’t get me wrong I believe in God. I pray when I need to. I don’t have anything against Christians in general. I have a good friend who was my best friend in high school what was raised in a very Christian family and they were not the type to throw it at you. Her and her husband are church going, last I new I think her husband want’s to become a pastor. But they know how to do it tactfully. They haven’t throw it at me at all. I get e-mail’s, or see stuff on their myspace or facebook but it’s done the way I like. I don’t get to hang out with the friend as much as I would like.
I’d really like to get back into a church but I don’t want to go to one where I have to deal with these bible thumping Christians. I want to go to church with people who understand how the real world works. And I don’t want to feel like I have to go every Sunday. I have a life and I don’t think I need to go to church every Sunday to get into heaven.
You go to church, that’s nice. I’m glad you do but don’t tell me every time you see or talk to me that I need to go. Talk to me about normal stuff too.
- I swear
- I have a tattoo
- I like to have a drink with my dinner sometimes
- I do not smoke
- I don’t steal
- I’ve never cheated
- I had sex before I got married
- I pray
- I don’t go to church
- I believe in God
- I respect people
- I am my own person and I want to be treated like everyone else
- I am not a bad person
- I am normal
- I am me
Love me for me.
As it turns out my feelings about him was correct. He was a genuine con-artist. Because of this man the church people all turned against each other and there was a huge split. The man could not add 2+2 and equal four. He tried to say the pastor was stealing money. My Mom was the secretary and treasure and she had proof that her figures were correct and Dicks was wrong. The bastard even tried to say my Mom and the Pastor (Jim) were having an affair which was false. The whole problem started because the church was having financial problems and couldn’t make ends meet. My Mom would come home crying because of this mess. When Dick had done his deed he left the church taking half of the people with him. People I had grown to love and trust believed this man’s lies and followed him to another church. They call themselves Christians.
Another man named Gary came to the church and was good friends with Dick. Gary was one of those bible thumping, in your face, I am always right Christians. The kind I cannot stand. Gary got paid a surprise visit by another church member and they caught him having a pot party in his house. Later after the split Gary’s children turned him in for sexually abusing them. He even raped his own son. He is now in jail. And he called himself a Christian.
I said my Mom was secretary and treasure. My Dad was maintenance. My parents basically ran the church. The pastor himself wasn’t very bright. He was a nice man. I liked him he just was clueless of everyday things. His wife was really nice but didn’t deal with any of the behind scenes of the church. My Mom did it. Since we lived less then a quarter mile from the church my parent ran for every need. They were always the one to go unlock the doors, lock them back up. If something happened they responded. My Mom spent so much time up there, freezing in the winter because they couldn’t afford to run the heat full time in the winter. She ran everything. She would come home so stressed because she couldn’t pay all the bills for the church. After the pastor got paid there wasn’t much money left and he ALWAYS got paid first.
To top that off my Mom had to worry about her own bills. My Dad had lost is job because the plant closed down. My own family couldn’t make ends meet and she had the stress of that. My Mom would cry. She became very moody, withdrawn, depressed, angry, and would cry at the drop of a hat. It was to much for her to handle. I had to sit back and watch. My parents fought more and more. I hated that church.
Pastor Jim left. To find a better place. We had no clue he was looking for another church. We got some pastor in there, all I remember was his last name was Moon. He was kinda shady. Tried to ‘improve’ the church. Spending money the church didn’t have. He didn’t last long. Then we got a female pastor Jeanette Post. Who I LOVED. She was great. Had a background working with kids which was right up my alley. But, she moved on to better things. I still wonder often where she is today. My Mom had to suffer through all this too. Then Pastor Sprunger came in and worked with the church for a bit. He was friends of Pastor Jim so we all knew him. He did the best he could do for the church really.
There was nothing left to save. Honestly I don’t know how it all ended. I was old enough to not go so I didn’t because I hated it. I just know that it in fact ended and they church has been sold and belongs to someone else now.
Because of this my feeling of Christians and churches is different. I hate bible thumping, in your face Christians. You know the ones that try to force Christianity on you. Ok I guess hate is a strong word but I dislike them very much.
Here is an example...
These names are changed but this is a true story.
One family, the Smith’s I was very close to. Especially their younger daughter. She is 7 years younger then me but she was my favorite. Yes I still talk to her today, but she lives far away and I miss her. Anyways, the Smith’s had an older adult son. Old enough to drink and make his own decisions his name was Scott.
Another family the Michael’s had a couple adult daughters. One daughter’s name was Debbie. This family is the bible thumping type.
Well Scott came to town and went out on a date with Debbie. Scott being a wild one took Debbie out and Debbie drank and got drunk. Scott and Debbie had sex and Debbie got pregnant. Basically Scott wanted a piece of ass and Debbie gave it to him.
Well Scott didn’t want anything to do long term with Debbie or the baby so he signed off parental rights. The Smith’s wanted to see their Granddaughter. They didn’t want the baby to know that they were her real Grandparents they just wanted to be known and special friends. Well the Michael’s won’t allow it because of what their son did to their daughter. The Michael’s are hold what Scott did against them.
Well excuse me, Scott and Debbie were both adult when it happened. It is not the Smith’s fault, Debbie drank on her own, he didn’t force her to. Debbie is as much at fault as Scott is. The daughter of the two is now a teen and Debbie got married and her husband adopted the daughter.
Also, the Michael’s don’t like the way the Smith’s younger daughter turned out and they hold that against them too. Well she is an adult now and can make her own decisions. She likes to go out and party with her friends but she is an overall good girl. She had the same view’s about this mess as I do. These bible thumping Christians have turned us against church.
Like I said, I talk on the internet with the Smith’s a lot. Especially their daughter. Well just recently I found the Michael’s on facebook. The mom and Debbie. I sent the mom a message and the first thing she responded back was. "I hope you are taking those boys to church". I wanted to say "No, I am not and you people are the reason why".
Now don’t get me wrong I believe in God. I pray when I need to. I don’t have anything against Christians in general. I have a good friend who was my best friend in high school what was raised in a very Christian family and they were not the type to throw it at you. Her and her husband are church going, last I new I think her husband want’s to become a pastor. But they know how to do it tactfully. They haven’t throw it at me at all. I get e-mail’s, or see stuff on their myspace or facebook but it’s done the way I like. I don’t get to hang out with the friend as much as I would like.
I’d really like to get back into a church but I don’t want to go to one where I have to deal with these bible thumping Christians. I want to go to church with people who understand how the real world works. And I don’t want to feel like I have to go every Sunday. I have a life and I don’t think I need to go to church every Sunday to get into heaven.
You go to church, that’s nice. I’m glad you do but don’t tell me every time you see or talk to me that I need to go. Talk to me about normal stuff too.
- I swear
- I have a tattoo
- I like to have a drink with my dinner sometimes
- I do not smoke
- I don’t steal
- I’ve never cheated
- I had sex before I got married
- I pray
- I don’t go to church
- I believe in God
- I respect people
- I am my own person and I want to be treated like everyone else
- I am not a bad person
- I am normal
- I am me
Love me for me.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Happy Birthday
So the boys are two now. Where has time gone. I remember just a short time ago when they were born. Two years ago right now I was still in the hospital. I had Matthew with me. David down in Holden, (the NICU at UofM). I had seen him once last night but that was it so far. Today they unhook me from everything. And I get to take Matthew down with me to see David.
It was crazy.
Today is the boys birthday party. Everyone the boys know and love is going to be there, well the close family. It's going to be at Paul's parents. I did a big party last year with all our cousins and such but that's to much work. This year it's Paul's parents, sister and her family, my parents, my nephew and my best friend who the boys call Aunt Kellie.
Should be fun. We are doing it Backyardigans style.
It was crazy.
Today is the boys birthday party. Everyone the boys know and love is going to be there, well the close family. It's going to be at Paul's parents. I did a big party last year with all our cousins and such but that's to much work. This year it's Paul's parents, sister and her family, my parents, my nephew and my best friend who the boys call Aunt Kellie.
Should be fun. We are doing it Backyardigans style.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Happy July!
Things have been crazy around here. Paul and I took time off of work to have a kinda vacation over the 4th of July. We were going to go north to the cabin but Paul's uncle and his family were going up there and that's way to many people in a small cabin. And the gas prices are just way to high.
Wednesday Paul and I went to Mt. Pleasant to gamble just a teeny bit. We decided to have Lonestar for dinner. There was a BAD storm rolling in when we got there. Well just after they brought us our bread and Paul's salad the power went out. We sat there for 20min waiting in it didn't come back on. So we left. They didn't make us pay, they were not making anyone pay. It wasn't busy in there though. We saw an awsome lightening show on the way home.
Thursday we went with Paul's parents to Higgens lake. Had fun that day too. David does NOT like the sand and water combo. Friday we went to Bob & Rhonda's for a cookout. Matthew LOVED their slide. Saturday we went back out to Paul's parents to watch the Nascar race which was a night race. We stayed the night out there then went down to Uncle Gary's pool on Sunday.
So we had a fun and busy weekend.
Oh did I mention that David is finally walking? YAY! We have to get braces for his feet though. He got his flat feet from my Dad. It's making his ankels weak and his knees. His thearapist thinks this is why he walked so late. I'm not worried I just want him to be ok.
Wednesday Paul and I went to Mt. Pleasant to gamble just a teeny bit. We decided to have Lonestar for dinner. There was a BAD storm rolling in when we got there. Well just after they brought us our bread and Paul's salad the power went out. We sat there for 20min waiting in it didn't come back on. So we left. They didn't make us pay, they were not making anyone pay. It wasn't busy in there though. We saw an awsome lightening show on the way home.
Thursday we went with Paul's parents to Higgens lake. Had fun that day too. David does NOT like the sand and water combo. Friday we went to Bob & Rhonda's for a cookout. Matthew LOVED their slide. Saturday we went back out to Paul's parents to watch the Nascar race which was a night race. We stayed the night out there then went down to Uncle Gary's pool on Sunday.
So we had a fun and busy weekend.
Oh did I mention that David is finally walking? YAY! We have to get braces for his feet though. He got his flat feet from my Dad. It's making his ankels weak and his knees. His thearapist thinks this is why he walked so late. I'm not worried I just want him to be ok.
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